and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just high enough for therapy.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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