I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
