I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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