Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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