I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
