My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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