Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
