Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
