I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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