i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
