I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i think my cat just said my name.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize