The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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