Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
