Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
