Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
