had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
