dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize