this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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