I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
