I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
