do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
