Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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