There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
