the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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