my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my being single is dangerous.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
