I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
