I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
