the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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