Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
