I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
