it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
