You're so nebulous sometimes
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize