OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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