OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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