If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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