He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
