You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize