I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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