plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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