I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
