I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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