I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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