I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
