Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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