My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
