Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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