a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
