i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
