My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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