Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
