why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
