Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
