Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
