Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
