The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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