I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
