Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He shit in the fireplace
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
