i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
