my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize