i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
