As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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