Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
