my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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