She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
